Lockdown Diary #1

LOCKDOWN minus 3

REVIEW: Krigeville Yardrun (5k)

Deeply unimpressed by this event, will definitely be sending letter of complaint to the organizers.

No marshalls to be seen anywhere, no signposts along route.

One very poorly stocked refreshment table was the only sign that there had been any planning whatsoever. 

Refreshment station

Ill discipline amongst runners. One participant had two dogs, neither of them on leashes.

Was tripped up by particularly unruly dog who jumped on me from behind. Fell down but thankfully only mild knee injury. The owner of the dog just said “WTF!?” and continued running.

Course maintenance very poor (effects of drought, dogs, moles, neglect = no grass). Dull landscaping, unimaginative, repetitive route layout (100 laps) set in a rather ugly part of an otherwise beautiful area. Uneven terrain makes for slow going. Dangerous untrimmed tree branches at eye height. Predict that course will deteriorate rapidly if this event ever takes off.

Route map

“The Hill” at the 30 m mark was not as challenging as expected (1,2 m up a gentle incline).

“The Steps” gave the course some variation. Pleasant enough on the down run when not crowded.

“The Steps”

Best part is the flat, straight section known as “The Washing Line”: 10 m of pure running bliss.

“The Washing Line”

GPS signal patchy but WiFi good.

Withdrew from the run just after the 2k mark. Not worth doing another 60 laps. Will consider doing a different course tomorrow. “The Corridor2Kitchen” has been suggested as an alternative.

Overall impression: disappointing. One star.

Ackermann Junction ~ Your home away from home.

(Living smack in the middle of five schools, our home has become a popular stop-over for kids. Here’s the brochure…)

Looking for a comfortable place to spend a short stopover between flights? Or even an overnight stay? Look no further than Ackermann Junction.

Located in the tranquil, leafy suburb of Cringeville,  this exciting new venue offers travellers the following services:

 A trendy place to relax, unwind and meet up with friends and colleagues.

• Conveniently central – walking distance from our town centre.
• Fully equipped kitchen with all mod-cons: help yourself at our cafeteria’s delicious buffet or ask our friendly staff to prepare you a meal from our menu. Portions to suit everyone’s appetite: from small side dishes for the peckish child to man-sized meals for the weary and hungry businessman.

Our kitchen: with all mod cons you need

• Our cafeteria offers a variety of healthy (and not so healthy) snacks, light meals, hot and cold beverages (tea, coffee, Milo, soup du jour, juice and chocolate milk for the youngsters).
• Freshen up in our restrooms, or even have a shower if you wish. We have four private resting cubicles with beds (blankets and pillows provided), as well as safe storage for your baggage and clothing. For our female guests, our cubicles have make-up mirrors, hair styling appliances and beauty products to suit your needs.
• Baggage drop – feel free to leave your baggage unattended, knowing that your posessions are safely cared for. We will also receive them on your behalf if your baggage should arrive while you are out.
• Pet-friendly: our nutritious dog snackbar is open 24 hours a day, and there is plenty of space for your best friend to run around and relax. Dog beds are provided for all sizes and breeds.
• Our reading room offers the weary traveller a peaceful place to unwind, with magazines and other reading material provided. It also features Wi-fi at no extra charge, so feel free to check your emails, tweet your friends, update your Facebook status or catch up on current affairs. Feel at home, recharge your cellphone and your soul while you wait for the next leg of your journey.
• Ackermann Junction boasts secure parking as well as a convenient pick-up / drop-off zone.
• We are very proud of our five star childcare facilities: qualified and experienced child minders are on call 24 hours a day, and our younger customers can enjoy our secure playground with its lush lawn, trampoline, easy-to-climb trees, bicycles, jay-boards, rollerblades, and petting zoo (where the little ones can feed the adorable guinea pigs!). Our inside play area provides a wide variety of educational toys and games, movies, television, internet games, music, a selection of musical instruments and art supplies.
• For the fitness enthusiast, we provide exercise equipment on the sundeck.
• NEW! For our busy and stressed professionals, we now offer Ackerpet Therapy®, with a small but dedicated team of trained TheraDogs® and TheraCats®.

One of our popular Therapets (R)

For our frequent flyers, Ackermann Junction offers Platinum Membership. These members can enjoy the following exclusive services:

• Spacious VIP lounge where our guests can relax on our inviting futon. Put your feet up and rest as long as you like (pillows and blankets provided).
• Quiet overnight units ensure a good night’s rest (bedlinen, towel, shampoo, toothpaste, toothbrush and bathrobe provided).
• Relaxing neck and back massage treatment by our in-house massage therapist.
• Light, nutritious breakfast served in our plush dining room.
• Courtesy car provided (driver optional).
• We are a CCE accredited currency exchange, if you should find yourself in need of cash.

Please contact our central reservations office for more information.

0800-akc-junc             http://www.ackjunc.co.za       info@ackjunc.co.za

Ackermann Junction. Your home away from home.

Lies we tell our parents

1. Yes, I ate all my broccoli.
2. I told you before, I don’t have any homework!
3. It wasn’t me.
4. I’m fine!
5. I hate you! (slam door)
6. I promise I’ll feed it andclean the cage every day!
   

   “I promise I’ll feed it and clean the cage!”

7. I’ll be back by 11 o’clock.
8. It’s NOT LIKE that!
9. I don’t know what you mean.
10. You don’t know what I mean.
11. It was different in your day.
12. No, (eye roll) he did NOT stay all night! He left just after you guys went to bed!
13. I’m not cold.

I was a good kid, that is why this list is so short. I’m not such a great mum, evidently, since my list of lies we tell our kids is much longer… Oh well. Time for another chocolate.

The artist in the house

Artist: Aniek Nieuwenhuis (model Biance)

 

 

I couldn’t draw like this at 16…

Again, every parent thinks their child has more talent than anyone else. But.

Artist: Aniek. Model: Famous actor whose name I can't remember

Oh wait – googled him. Here he is:

 

Out of Africa

I have an appointment next Friday. Have a few issues I’d like to have sorted out.

 

The Pick-Up

They arrive at the high iron gate on a black motorcycle. It is already dark, and the road is deserted. The man kills the engine and the only sound to be heard is the distant chirping of a cricket. They get off the bike, but both keep their helmets on. The woman pulls a mobile phone from her pocket, presses a few numbers and waits, holding the phone close to her helmet.

“We’re at the gate,” she says, and puts the phone back in her pocket. Then they pace in the dust, waiting.

“What is taking so long? Do you think something is wrong?” the woman asks. Her voice is muffled by the helmet.

The man simply shakes his head. The silence grows ominous.

Finally, in the distance, they see a single light moving slowly towards them.

“Here he comes,” the man says.

Half a minute later, a quad bike stops behind the gate. The driver’s face is in the shadows.

“Vince,” the biker says. Then, pointing at another figure moving in the darkness, he asks, “Who’s that?”

“He’s with me. My partner,” comes the reply.

“Moby. The hit man,” the woman whispers.

The man in the helmet grins, his teeth glittering in the light of the quad bike.

The gate slowly opens. The hit man says nothing, but his eyes follow every move.

The woman reaches into the motorcycle carrier and takes out a white container.

“This is yours,” she says, handing it to Vince. He glances briefly inside, then puts it on the back of the quad bike.

Vince holds out a bag.

“How many did you get?” the man in the helmet asks.

“Five,” Vince replies.

The biker widens his eyes slightly, then peers into the bag.

“Five? We only need three. What shall we do with the other two?”

“Freeze them,” the woman says.

The man in the helmet hesitates. “Do you think she’ll take them like that?”

The woman shrugs slightly.

Vince says, “Or we can dispose of them now, if you prefer… but they are already dead.”

“We’ll take them. We’ll see what happens.”

He shakes Vince’s hand, thanks him briefly and puts the bag into the bike carrier. The man and woman get on the bike. As they ride away, the gate slowly closes and the quad bike engine starts up again.

They ride through the cool dark night, back towards the lights of the city.

Now what would you think if you had witnessed this scene?

Erica Neser (c) 2012

HOUSE SITTING REPORT

HOUSE SITTING REPORT – 28/1/2012

Temperature: Peaked at 32, currently 27,5 degrees.

Wind: Light breeze NE, gusting at 19 thingamajigs.

Prediction for tomorrow: 30+ degrees. Crystal ball predicts chance of rain. Fat chance! I suspect slight device malfunction.

Dogs: All present, happy and healthy. Did toolbox talk and transportation drill. Hard hats worn by no-one. Written warnings issued.

Dogs doing transportation drill. Note absence of safety gear.

Cats: Mrs Johnson camped out on Geelbliksem*. Pluto has gained some weight. Approves of new food, especially sachets. Will get more from vet shop. Putting all on your account. Simba wants to eat Pluto’s special food. Verbal warning given. Mushie not present. No paperwork received re prolonged absence (as usual).

Cats attending Health and Safety Briefing

Fish (inside): All present. Did toolbox talk. No hard hats. Verbal warnings given.

Toolbox Talk with Fish and Snails

Fish (ouside): All present. Health and Safety check.

Plants: Being watered. 21 28 complaints received re “inhumane” working conditions. Legal action may follow. Compensation for families of six 12 deceased oak saplings to be negotiated upon your return.

Snake: Getting hungry. Only to be given live food from now on. Issued written warning re last week’s leftovers. (Maggot report to be completed by next week)

Snake re-reading terms and conditions of leaving food uneaten.

Maggots: All 247 dead. Possible legal action from maggot next of kin. House sitter’s trauma counselling bills to be forwarded to snake.

Contents of fridge: 15 complaints received. To be investigated.

Alarm: No further middle of the night false alarms reported.

House: Needs to be vaccuumed. Under control.

Boat: To be checked tomorrow. Reporting pending.

Neighbourhood: Quiet.  Loud party in ghetto suburb until 4 am.

House sitter: Horny lonely and missing house owner.  

 

* Geelbliksem: Land Cruiser

Erica Neser (c) 2012  

Just a reminder…

ericanexpress

Just a quick note to let you know that I’ve created a separate blog to publish Journey of a Thousand Steps (1000 words at a time).  Please visit http://journeyof1000steps.wordpress.com/ to follow our story…

xx Erica

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Google brought you here

People search for all sorts of strange things on google. And subsequently they find all sorts of strange things…

Here’s the list so far: (and for your convenience, in case you’d like to refresh your memory or read a few posts you missed, I have linked the terms to the posts where they were mentioned. Where possible. Some of them I have to just wonder…)

Puppy walk blanket – I would like to know: is this a blanket that you use while taking your puppy on walks (so it can rest), or is it a blanket that your puppy can walk on?

Smartness – I am the epitome of smartness. Not.

Little baby in 1969 – Yes, indeed I was. Now you all know how old I am not.

Drown kleinmond– That’s rather grim, isn’t it? But with that treacherous and steeply sloping beach, it really wouldn’t surprise me.

Siblings pee – Yes they do, but at my house, mostly in the toilet, and not simultaneously.

Horse peeing – I know I have mentioned peeing in my blog, as well as horses, and it is true that Moonman always neighs like a horse while peeing, but I don’t think I’ve ever blogged about horse pee. Maybe I should…

Hover peeing – I am particularly interested in learning how to hover, which I imagine is akin to levitating. Once I have mastered that, I will practice peeing while I’m up there.

Sabaru hair colour – Lots of these. I guess there are more Chinglish people than we realise, wanting to dye their hair.

Sofa, biker – I have one of each. I enjoy having the one on the other.

Cat in the hat party – That was last week. Sorry you missed it. And we were wearing ONLY hats.

Dr seuss character wearing thing 2 – It was actually a dr seuss character wearing THONG 2 at cat in hat party. Overdressed fool.

Egyptian boat painting – Sorry, sold it last month for $10000000.

Nudist sailing – That’s next weekend. Please inbox me to RSVP.

Place kreefgat– Notorious gangster hangout where one of our dogs comes from. Something most people try NOT to find.

Ship sail texture – Well, let’s see: it’s kind of canvassy, a bit like cotton, only stronger. And thicker. And water runs off it.

Pictures of Roald as a baby – To be auctioned off next month. Bidding will start at $100000. Don’t tell my son his pictures are being sold.

Rondavel floor plans – Draw a circle. Done.

Naked child boy art– Also sold last month, sorry. Got $20000000 for it.

A,ericanexpess – This must have been a bit of a disappointment surprise for the searcher. After selling all those paintings and pictures, I may well look into becoming a registered financial service provider.

No clutter kitchen – Not yet.

Minimalist house box – Is this like a kitty litter box, allowing minimalists to get rid of their toilets?

Sailing rope floor mat – Just checking, l before I mail your order. Do you want the floor mat made of sailing rope? Or sailing rope made of floor mat?

Kids mess house – Yes. Come back next week.

Harry potter tidying spell – Tried it, didn’t work. See previous point.

Long hair shade – Yes, I often create a shady tent with my hair, but it really is too hot outside today. And I have work to do.

Tricking him to marry you – Don’t do it. Just don’t.

Erica Neser (c) 2012