Does this shadow make me look fat (and him look skinny)?

[Note: there may be more than one correct answer.]

  1. Your new man has invited you over for a home-cooked meal at 7 pm. You should arrive

a)     Fifteen minutes early to show how keen you are to see him

b)     Fashionably late to show you are not desperate

c)     Arrive a few minutes early, but park around the corner so that you can walk in exactly on time

d)     At 7h15, because you know he’s still out shopping for ingredients

e)     Naked, then it doesn’t matter whether you’re early or late

  1. If your long-time partner is late for a special date, you should

a)     Wait 15 minutes and if he still isn’t there, leave

b)     Wait till he gets there, then make a big scene and drive away with screeching tyres

c)     Wait till he gets there, then make a big scene and sulk all evening

d)     Leave him a note to tell him he can come and find you at your favourite bar

e)     Wait till he gets there and accept his aplogy, knowing it’s not worth fighting about

  1. Your man likes it when you wear feminine dresses. You should

a)     Wear a dress every day to show him how important it is for you to please him

b)     Wear only jeans and t-shirts to show him that you have the right to dress any way you damn well please

c)     Wear whatever you want but tell him you’re not wearing any underwear

d)     Wear a pretty dress often enough to keep him happy

e)     Ask him to wear a pretty dress for you

  1. Which of the following is the most effective for diffusing tension in a relationship?

a)     Walk away to cool off

b)     Throw his favourite coffee mug against the wall

c)     Take all your clothes off

d)     Make tea

e)     Phone the local psychiatric institution and ask them (loud enough so he can hear you) if they have space for him

  1. If your partner has had a really rough day, the best way to make him feel better is to

a)     Make tea

b)     Tell him all about your crappy day so that he realises his problems are insignificant in comparison

c)     Walk away – he needs time to unwind

d)     Ask him to fix something that he has been promising to do for months

e)     Give him a shoulder massage and make sympathetic noises while he talks about it

  1. Your birthday is approaching and you fear your man will not remember. You should

a)     Buy yourself something you want, wrap it and tell him to give it to you when the day arrives

b)     Say nothing and see this as a test of his love for you

c)     Start reminding him every day a week in advance and drop hints about what you want

d)     Tell him your birthday is coming up and you want to take him out for supper to celebrate

e)     Go and party without him if he forgets

  1. You are meeting your partner’s family for the first time. Which of the following is the best way to impress them?

a)     Buy a huge bouquet of flowers for his mother and thoughtful gifts for everyone else

b)     Hide in the bathroom, hoping they won’t notice your absence

c)     Flirt outrageously with all his male family members

d)     Wear a pretty dress

e)     Smile, be friendly and interested and stay away from controversial subjects

f)       Sit on your man’s lap and gaze adoringly at him whenever he speaks, to show them how much you love their son/brother/father

  1. Your new man jokingly suggests you do a threesome. You should

a)     Leave the scumbag immediately

b)     Offer to bring (insert name of an elderly female friend here)

c)     Say with enthusiasm, “Great idea! I saw this really sexy guy at the gym – I’m sure you’ll like him!”

d)     Politely tell him that this may be his fantasy, but it is not yours

e)     Phone the local psychiatric institution and ask them (loud enough so he can hear you) if they have space for him

  1. Your man persuades you to watch one of his all time favourite movies with him (which turns out to be a dud). Your best response is to say,

a)     “What a great movie!” because his ego is more important than the truth

b)     “That was uhm… interesting and different… Would you like some tea?”

c)     Nothing, just take your things and leave him with dignity, before things get worse

d)     “That was complete and utter rubbish. What on earth were you smoking when you last saw this?!”

e)     “I don’t get it. Did I fall asleep during the funny part?”

  1. You have a headache. You should

a)    Keep quiet about it, and take tablets while he’s not looking

b)    Make a big show of taking tablets, and lie down in a darkened room with a mask over your eyes, moaning pitifully now and then to evoke maximum sympathy

c)    Get it over and done with so you can sleep

d)    Encourage any amorous advances because, he reminds you, it’s a well known fact that it is a cure for headaches

e)    Nag him about all the stuff that he keeps promising to fix but never does, so he’ll be in a bad mood and leave you alone

Bonus question:

You’ve been in a relationship for several years. You argue and shout regularly, disagree on politics, religion and how to raise children, but he makes you laugh and gives good hugs. You should

a)     Trick him into marrying you by pretending you are pregnant

b)     Leave him, he is obviously not right for you

c)     Tell him you’re just hanging out with him till you meet Mr Right

d)     Suggest a threesome

e)     Stay right where you are, because this is what romance looks like in real life

f)       Make tea

Erica Neser (c) 2012


6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. girl in the hat
    Jan 21, 2012 @ 20:28:57

    I think “make tea” is the answer to all of the above. Am I right?


  2. ericanexpress
    Jan 21, 2012 @ 22:32:32

    Well done! Making tea is never inappropriate.


  3. meladjusted
    Jan 22, 2012 @ 07:03:51

    There’s never anything wrong with nagging for chores to be done and showing up naked either! But yes, I would also have just gone with ‘make tea’ 🙂 and as for the bonus question it’s sad but it’s true that (e) is probably the right answer – ‘romance’ what a loaded word but as Sahmoeraai often sings “I never promised you a rose garden….” – which is fair since I’m black fingered and would kill it in less than a month!

    funny stuff Erica! Thanks!!


    • ericanexpress
      Jan 22, 2012 @ 15:59:25

      I killed one of Moonman’s bonsai’s once (a gift from my dad) by watering it too much… and all the oak saplings he’s been nurturing bit the dust during the heat wave. There will be drama when he returns. I’ll be making tea (naked) every hour…:-)


  4. Esther
    Jan 28, 2012 @ 10:53:41

    8.c. and for the rest “make tea” – not always naked….


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