COMPREHENSION TEST FOR PARENTS #2: BABY’S HEALTH


 

Which of these toys should be removed from this baby's playpen?

Time allowed: 10 minutes. This is an open book exam. You may consult your textbooks but not your neighbours. Cell phones must be switched off.

 

Please choose the correct answer:

 

  1. Weight: if a baby loses more than 10% of his birth weight, you should:
    1. Take him back to his parents
    2. Call the ambulance
    3. Spank him
    4. Feed him more often and speak to a lactation consultant
    5. Give him porridge
    6. Ask a mother-in-law what to do

 

  1. Digestion: if a baby vomits after a feed, you should:
    1. Give him a bath
    2. See if he wants to feed again
    3. Hand him back to his mother
    4. Measure the distance of the projectile
    5. Scoop the vomit off the carpet with a spoon and weigh it on your kitchen scale
    6. Share the video of the mess on YouTube
    7. All of the above

 

  1. Elimination: the colour/texture of a breastfed baby’s bowel movement is usually:
    1. None of my business
    2. Different every day
    3. Butternut colour and texture
    4. A lot like scrambled eggs
    5. b) c) and d)
    6. Not sure, can’t see that well through the dive goggles

 

  1. If a baby develops a skin rash, you should:
    1. Put him back where you found him
    2. Call the ambulance
    3. Take a picture of the rash and post it on Facebook
    4. Keep an eye on it and talk to your doctor if you are worried
    5. Search the web for any serious diseases that could lead to skin rashes
    6. Tell everyone he has benign paroxysmal fibrospondylitis

 

  1. A baby who has a temperature of 36 degrees Celsius, as measured in the axilla (armpit), needs:
    1. To be taken to the ER immediately
    2. To remain NIL PER MOUTH for 24 hours
    3. To be fed horseradish and beetroot broth
    4. To be loved and cuddled some more
    5. A suppository

 

  1. When a baby sucks his hands and drools a lot, he should be:
    1. Given teething remedy
    2. Taken back to his parents
    3. Put in the naughty chair
    4. Given a thin gruel of corn flour and water 6 times a day
    5. Fine, because he is just “gumming”

 

  1. If a baby has a stuffy nose, you should:
    1. Let him sleep with his feet elevated by 30 degrees
    2. Keep him in quarantine for 14 days
    3. Place a tiny amount of petroleum jelly on the tip of his nose
    4. Let him sleep with his head elevated by 30 degrees
    5. Put him back where you found him
    6. Attach a small, flexible tube to your vacuum cleaner and suck out the mucous from his nose

 

  1. If a baby has sticky eyes, you should:
    1. Ask a mother-in-law what to do
    2. Wipe his eyes with breastmilk or saline solution
    3. Expose him to gentle sunlight for 5 minutes a day
    4. Take him to ER immediately
    5. Google deadly viruses which have sticky eyes as a symptom

 

  1. If a baby develops white spots inside his lips and mouth, you should
    1. Wash out his mouth with soap and water
    2. Pray
    3. Wipe his mouth with glycerine
    4. Post the pictures on Facebook and ask your friends to advise you
    5. Ask your lactation consultant or other healthcare provider to check for thrush
    6. Stop feeding him feta cheese

 

  1. A small baby should be:
    1. Held most of the day
    2. Rocked to sleep
    3. Breastfed 8-12 times in 24 hours
    4. Loved to bits
    5. All of the above

 

Answers:

1 f; 2 g; 3 e; 4 d; 5 d; 6 e; 7 d; 8 b; 9 e; 10 e.

 

Did you pass?

Erica Neser (c) 2012

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mayahood
    Jan 14, 2012 @ 05:39:20

    Pretty funny (but true) post! Loved it 🙂

    Reply

  2. meladjusted
    Jan 15, 2012 @ 11:05:05

    I think I passed but my children are still not ‘normal’ – do you thing the broth would help for that? Would it be okay to tie them down and funnel it into them or could one make it look like cheese and crackers?

    Great hilarious post! My face hurts!

    Reply

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