Losing Weight With The Hospice Diet

“Ideally, I would like to lose 5kg,” I told Mel, my legendary pilates teacher.

“Well…” she said. “Your head weighs around 5kg. If we chop it off, you’ll instantly lose your 5kg, and best of all, you’ll  keep the weight off.”

For obvious reasons, I decided not to follow this particular method of weight loss, and subsequently have lost and found the same kilogram many times over. I lose it somewhere, and I keep finding it in the cake aisle of the Spar around the corner.

However, the whole weight loss issue has now taken on a whole new meaning, not to mention momentum. After two weeks of intense and dedicated dieting, I have lost a whopping 25kg using the Hospice Diet.

This is how it works:

  • Take a black bag.
  • Go to any problem area in your house.
  • Start throwing things you no longer want/need/love/use in the bag.
  • Go to the next room/cupboard and repeat.
  • Keep going until the bag is full.
  • Get a new bag and repeat.
  • When you have five bags full, chuck them in boot of car.
  • Drive to hospice shop (or whatever local charity).
  • Drop the bags.
  • Drive away, relishing the feeling of lightness and freedom.
  • Give yourself a few days to recover, then start with the next 5 bags.

The benefits of this amazing new diet are, among others:

  • Weight loss is dramatic, especially in the first few weeks.
  • Weight loss is sustained and the diet will probably become a way of life.
  • Simple and effective.
  • Painless – no hunger pangs, no exercise other than filling the bags and dragging them to the car.
  • Safe for everyone, even the young and elderly.
  • No medical tests. No drugs, no side-effects.
  • Free and open to anyone – no need to join a weekly support group or buy the book and exercise dvd, no need to pay subscription fees.
  • The community benefits – there are thousands of very skinny people out there who are desperate for your excess weight. Do the right thing and share.

This diet is especially recommended for the following circumstances:

  • If you are moving to a new (hopefully smaller) house
  • If you are getting married
  • If you are getting divorced
  • If you have children
  • If you are retiring
  • If you are constantly tired and feel overwhelmed
  • If things fall out of your cupboards onto your head

Special precautions:

  • Remember that, as with any diet, it takes commitment and perseverance to achieve your goal weight.
  • Do not despair if you have setbacks or make mistakes along the way – just keep going.
  • Be aware of the many ways in which weight tends to creep back in – block it at the front door.
  • Your friends and relatives may become envious of your sudden weight loss. Encourage and help them to follow the same diet, but remember, not everyone is ready to lose that excess weight. Lead by example.
  • When you find nothing more to put in your black bags, celebrate by inviting all your friends and family members for a big party.

Dieters struggling with this method may want to try another variation:

  • Take three black bags.
  • Go to any problem area in the house.
  • Empty out the contents of that cupboard/drawer/room onto the floor.
  • Clean out the cupboard/drawer/room.
  • Divide the contents into the three bags: one for donating, one for recycling, one for the rubbish bin.
  • Keep sorting until the only things left in front of you are the things you REALLY want and need to keep.
  • Put these back into the drawer.
  • Vacuum the floor where you dumped the pile of stuff.
  • Take the bags to Hospice, the recycling drop-off and the bin.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some dieting to do.

Erica Neser © 2011™

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3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. AutumnVine
    Nov 30, 2011 @ 11:17:15

    I really thought I would loose quickly with this diet, but found that the emotional issues are even here. But I keep on trying. The best areas to loose was in the kitchen and between the children’s toys

    Reply

  2. Trackback: Tomorrow *spoiler alert* « meladjusted

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